thoughts at 30,000 feet

i’m tired of pretending that writing and producing music is easy. it’s not. what is the purpose of this journal if not to be honest with myself? there is a part of me that aches, hoping to attain something that i know is deep within me. i need to let go of my ego, and create from a place of childlike wonder. i struggle with the dance between the mainstream and the underground. on one hand i am attracted to the challenge of creating pop music, albeit only the good stuff. i see it as a worthy task that is daunting because so many have failed who have attempted it and the competition is fierce. but it is conflicting because the idea of creating something pop is often conflated with popular in my mind. there can be good pop music, but popular does not mean good. and the paradox of popularity is anything that is truly popular and influential was regarded as a risk from the beginning. so creating with popularity in mind is a surefire way to go insane and fail.

on the other end of the spectrum, sometimes i want to completely isolate myself from everything i’ve created and start anew. is that desire to self-sabotage something that is common? i fear that that thought in itself is mainstream. sometimes the fact that i think i’m unique in this thought feels like a sad joke that everyone gets except me. 

i wish to never be easily defined. the industry will always offer their unsolicited advice because they want  to profit. they want it to be marketable. i can’t blame them. i think that’s actually honest. but they don’t live the product every day. they don’t live the output and bask in the sun or dark clouds of what was created. to them it’s temporary. to me, it can only be two things. something that haunts me or something i respect.