Ottawa and Chapter 3
I’m sitting in Ottawa, enjoying an iced americano with a view of parliament in the background. How Canadian! I played last night at University of Ottawa for a couple thousand kids, and then played an impromptu afterparty at a club downtown afterwards. I was chatting with the promoter last night about how I sort of feel like i’m on chapter 3 of my musical career.
When I first started making music (chapter 1), I was motivated largely by the novelty of it all. Everything was brand new. Flying to a random city, with little-to-no knowledge of what would work on a dance floor, or what DJ’ing even really was (I actually couldn’t DJ for the first few years of my shows, did the entire thing on Ableton with a controller.) Money was a non-issue in the sense that the possibility of this even being a career wasn’t something I thought of yet. A club somewhere will pay me £150 to fly somewhere even though my travel will cost more than the fee? I’ll fucking be there! I’m 20 years old. That sounds fun as shit!
Chapter 2 felt like: “okay maybe this could be a career after all.” Making money was still sort of random (that’s still true to this day tbh) but I had worked hard to save a few bucks so that on the months where nothing came through they didn’t stress me out as much. I had two albums under my belt, but I didn’t really feel competent as a producer in any sort of meaningful way until my third record (Next Season). I had a serious moment with myself, working with some younger producers, where I realized “fuck these kids are good, I need to step my game up if I’m taking this seriously.”
I think from there I started to really dive into process, saying no to more things to protect my studio days, trying to just chip away at it. The shows started to be a bit more conceptual, I had a tour called “Into The Unknown,” I learned to DJ on USB’s (which didn’t really exist as a norm when I started.) I had started to make music videos, and had started to trust some of my artistic judgement outside of just the music. Making merch, things like that.
Chapter 3 is where I feel I am right now. DJ’ing has started to make a lot more sense to me lately, I think because I’m trusting my instincts a lot more. I think there’s times where I’ve felt persuaded to play what’s expected, rather than trusting my gut of what I want to hear. The balance feels more in place now. With production, it’s easier at moments because I feel like the technology is working with me more, rather than against me. I get to be more selective in what I create. So in that sense it’s easier, but on the flip side it’s harder because it becomes more existential… now that I can make what I hear in my head, what do I actually want to hear? What do I want to contribute?
I’m still having fun though. That’s the main thing. I’m not really sure how many chapters there are, or if these chapters will feel the same at the end of this whole thing. Maybe when I’m 70 I’ll realize that I’m still on chapter 1 right now. Who knows. I read this quote once that said “passion is earned, you’re not born with it.” That feels truer the older I get.
- felix
PS: does anyone actually read this thing? text me and lmk lol